Hedi et Gaga

from Vogue Hommes Japan

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God Bless Eastern Europe (Or: Handjob on the Side, Please)

A Dialogue between myself and two charming Russian gals (we’ll call them Strelka and Sveltana, because I’m not concerned with accurate reporting or political correctness) who came in to shop today at the store where I work:

Strelka: Ah, this Gucci watch? How much is?

Me: Let me check! Hm, it appears we have it marked at $500.00.

Strelka: [Something in Russian to Sveltana]

Sveltana: [Responds in kind]

Strelka: How much discount you give? Maybe for 300…

Me: 300? I don’t think I can go that low without asking the consignor… I could give you 20% off; 375?

[More Russian]

Sveltana: What about 75 and handjob?

I nearly spilled my drink. Also, Strelka opted not to use our fitting rooms, but rather to simply change in front of the mirror, which I absolutely loved.

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No, I don’t Like you.

I don’t remember when exactly the ‘Like’ function on facebook stopped being a convenient way to noncommittally bolster someone else’s e-peen without actually contributing intelligent, meaningful, or entertaining dialogue, and started being an inane way to play at free viral/word of mouth marketing, but I’m pretty sure it was fairly recently, and I’m definitely sure I’m already sick of it.

No, I won’t ‘Like’ your station’s profile, KBPI (shut up, I was helping the handyman paint my scooter and he likes to listen to horrible contemporary rock. Also – I cannot believe Willie B is still a DJ). I don’t understand why anyone would want to, for that matter. Who really wants to wear their consumer habits and preferences that proudly on their sleeve anyway? Data mining isn’t bad enough, you just want to tell internet marketers exactly where you like it?

Anyway, my point is that all of the sudden, like in the last two, three months (maybe less? I’m really bad at keeping track of time), it seems like everywhere you look, someone is suggesting you ‘Like’ them on the book. It’s just eerie to see; how quickly these sorts of practices get embraced on a massive level once they’ve been created. One month, nothing, the next, fucking Walgreens wants you to Like them. And the little Mom & Pop framing store Englewood, Colorado. And Joe Biden.

What’s the point? What do I get out of it? Don’t get me wrong, I see the appeal from the advertising end; it’s a pretty powerful way to pimp your product/service for practically nothing, but what incentive do I, the consumer, have to become your sandwich board? Fanboydom? Sorry, I reserve my fanbodyom for real-life, person-to-person interactions. Strangers don’t get to know what a dork I am.

Well, unless they read this, I guess.

Bonus: Here’s a picture of my newly re-painted ’79 Piaggio P200e

My newly re-painted Vespa P200E

I may have suffered minor paint-fume poisoning in the process of repainting my scooter. Or it may have been food poisoning. Either way, I was poisoned and couldn't get out of bed for two days afterwords. True story.

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You Made Me Do This.

Hey look, another inaugural first blog post, on another pointless internet blog. Just what the world needs.

Like the post (and the url) suggest, I’m doing this not because I want to, but because the internet made me do it. I’ve fought it long enough, but now I’m giving up. Throwing in the towel. I’ll make nice and play social, add my voice to the sea of voices all fighting for netshare.

If by some fluke you’re reading this and you’re not me, you’re probably a friend of mine (and we should hang out so you can tell me how cool my blog is). But if you’re not a friend of mine, then hi? I’m not sure what to tell you. I’m not sure what brought you here in the first place. Certainly not good content.

What will this blog be for? As yet undetermined. This blog, like so many other wastes of server space floating around the net, exists more as an exercise in the act of blogging than for the illumination or edification of any particular subject. A habit-building tool, to get me out of a lifetime habit of trolling/lurking, and out into the abrasive, hate-filled spotlight that is the internet. That is to say, it exists more for me than you. Sorry? We can still be pals.

That said, it’s a fair bet that most of my posts will be about one or more of the following:

Computers & Technology
Pop Culture, TV, & Film

So if any of those things are of particular interest to you, then I invite you to check back from time to time, or even try to start a dialogue with me (and I promise to try really, really hard to keep my end of that dialogue up). I won’t lie to you; there’s a pretty good chance this venture won’t survive November, and if it does, it probably won’t make it to 2011, and if by some miracle it manages to do that, it will almost certainly be abandoned well before the global meltdown/apocalypse in 2012. But nothing ventured, nothing gained.

So that seems like a pretty adequate introductory post. I’m going to go ahead and publish this, and then start cracking on a rant about something nobody wants to read about. But that’s cool, because no one is going to read this but me anyway.

See you later, me.


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